Redneck Newsletter Xmas 2007
The number of hours I can spend sleeping in WV is, to say the least, remarkable. I sleep for 10-12 hours a night, then take a 2 hour nap later. We have a total of 3 Lazy-Boy-esque recliners in the living room and all 3 are in use over half of the day. It's amazing how sedentary we are. I'm surprised blood can pump with that little movement. Alex (my 25 yr old nephew) says we (Sam, Alex, & myself) are all fat kids at heart, due to the amount of food we consume. We must've gotten a special metabolic gene because we should be massive, but shockingly we aren't. My dad, Sam (my brother), and Alex are on a constant quest to gain weight. I'll settle for the fact that I'm no bigger.
There was yogurt in the fridge from my last visit. It, shockingly, looked and smelled fine, but Sam protested when I said I'd eat it, so the result of that experiment will remain unknown. Maybe next year.
There are 2 bars here we hang out at. One is the Alpha. It has probably 40+ dead animals hanging on the walls. It is also the place where, this year, I was the one to get into fight. Don't get too excited, it was strictly verbal and she was about 60 years old, oh yeah, and she was also my dad's best friend's wife. Dad doesn't know about the fight yet, but I imagine I'll be in trouble if he finds out. The other bar is The 19th Hole, but we just call it The Hole. The name 19th Hole leads one to believe that is a golf-oriented bar, but it's not. It's a hole. A fantastic hole & one my favorite stops when i visit. It was here that some guy was running his mouth at me, some other random guy peels a $50 off of a wad of cash, lays it on the bar, looks at Alex, and says "You can have it if you knock him out." Alex declined, & then said "She could knock him out if she wanted." So, re-cap, 1 night, 2 bars, 2 fights, both mine.
Dad saves and then re-uses everything. There were popsicle sticks in the dish drying rack. I asked what they were for. Dad says "Oh, I don't know yet." But that didn't stop him from eating the popsicle, saving the stick, and washing it.
Sam prepared 100% of Xmas dinner, then did all the dishes before AND after we ate, which beats the crap out of me doing it. The only thing I was in charge of was when Dad told me to use a particular dish to put something (food oriented) in, I got the dish, and had to ask "Where should I put the key, drill bit, and washer that are in it?" and then we ate out of it. That's why Sam does everything. He likes things cleaner than Dad & I do.
I am hoping Gretchen (Alex's mom) will come to CA for a visit. She asked Alex if she could visit him (he lives at the beach in NC), he gave a vehement "NO!" She asked Sam (he lives in Morgantown, WV), he said "Ah, I know all the cops. Why not?" She asked me, I said "Absolutely!" Orange county will never be the same if she visits. She is crazy in the most fun sort of way; she can out-party any rock star, out-talk me, out-drink any Marine, chain smoke a carton of cigarettes, she is in a bike "club" she made Jell-O shots with moonshine for her Xmas party. She's 45, should look like she's 145, but, instead, looks 32.
So I debated whether this story would make the newsletter. I make fun of everyone I love in this thing, but hesitated when it came at my expense. Except its not fair to laugh at everyone else, then save myself. Christmas night I went drinking at the Hole with Sam & Alex. I can put away beer with the best of them, we won't get into how much, but a 6 pack can't hurt me & I'm not scared of a 12 pack. Its my special WV upbringing/early-age liver conditioning. Then Sam says "Let's do a shot" I say "Well, I never do shots. I'll throw up. But I'll do one with you guys." So I do a shot, yes, ONE shot, with Sam & Alex, 30 min. passes, I say "Take me home." Alex foolishly thinks there's time to spare, but Sam knows better, he has seen me throw up in a cup at a bar (Tortilla Flats). Sam tosses me in the car, we make it the 3 blocks home, I jump out of the car, and promptly vomit (all over the snow) in Dad's front yard..... on Christmas!!
Dad has Sam's dog, Leonard, on a very special diet. Mostly, its because Dad just gives it to the dog rather than put it down the disposal. For breakfast Leonard had the remainder of Dad's cereal & milk with bananas, quickly followed by freezer-burnt shrimp. Dinner, for Dad & the dog, was kielbasa (polish sausage) and ice cream. My dinner wasn't much better. I had fried cheese sticks and kielbasa.... fat kid at heart. I have grown very fond of a new (at least to me) Little Debby snack cake. It's called a cherry cordial. Its 2 cakes with cherry cream filling & chocolate icing. It has something like 80% of the saturated fat you should (probably not) have in a day. Dad has created a new food group out of anti-histamines. He also has a cookbook that tells you how to make possum & tongue (and raccoon, oxtail soup, etc). Dad says says tongue is really good with horseradish once you get past what it is that you're really eating.
As I was walking Leonard, I saw a car that had half of the roof COMPLETELY fashioned of duct tape. More frightening is it was a Honda Element. No one here drives a foreign car, or for that matter, a car less than 10 years old, so how he got that car, fairly recently, and managed to need a "new" roof is beyond me.
Dad bought bought a remote control truck to chase Leonard. That poor dog.
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